Guys, gals, trannies, non-binaries, otherkins, etc... lend me your ears. Something extraordinary happened to me this weekend and I feel compelled to share with you, my Wildcat friends. For the past few weeks I've been, well,
drifting. Directionless. Through a combination of depression over nagging injuries and the resultant plummet in physical conditioning, I've been essentially rudderless -- like an F-14 adrift at sea
AND BTW IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY NEW MOVIE THEN YOU'RE NOT A REAL AMERICAN. I mean, sure, I'd occasionally shit-post on the Twitter machine and cuss out politicians and aggravate anti-gun nuts who hate my beloved AR-15, but telling LGB to "f#ck off" just didn't give me the same thrill. And of course every now and then I'd peruse my fave porn sites to oogle titties and such, but something was different. I just couldn't seem to
buy a thrill.
All that changed yesterday. I'm still tryin to fully understand exactly what happened. Honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the full magnitude of the experience. I got out of bed at my usual 5:00 a.m. G.O.T. (God's Own Time). As I walked through the dimly-lit kitchen to the garage to begin my workout, I noticed "something" on the island. Since I could tell it wasn't moving and didn't have eight legs, I didn't even give it a second glance. However, about an hour later, as I was coming in for my mid-workout coffee rejuvenation, I was struck by lightning. This is what I saw...
It's hard to describe the full range emotions than shot through every fiber of my being at the speed of light the instant I realized what I was staring at. The nearest Buc-ee's is at least 3.5 hours away and no one in the household has made the pilgrimage yet. WTF was going on? My mind reeled, my heart raced, beads of sweat appeared on my forehead and I'm pretty sure I began speaking in tongues. I stared at the inexplicable bag of chocolatey manna that buck-toothed beaver had divinely conjured for what seemed like hours. I was simultaneously terrified and exhilarated by the miracle I had just witnessed. I wanted to eat them, of course -- as if they were some sort of fructose-infused communion wafers -- but I was sore afraid. What if this was some devilish trick? What if opening the bag unleashed a band of hairy, flat-tailed furies to
melt my face? Or was it simply the Great Beaver giving me a sign? I couldn't be sure.
Stunned, I simply returned to the garage to finish my workout and contemplate what had happened. Sadly, when I came back to the kitchen the bag was gone. I'm still not certain this wasn't merely a hallucination brought on by a combination of copious THC ingestion (in the form of a self-contained pen), several droppers full of raspberry flavored oil, and a large glass of Bailey's and vodka flavored with Hershey's syrup the night before. No matter though, because I'm now a believer. All hail the beaver.