N.O.B.

[gobigbluebell]

Dang Mav, that's heavy.

To me, the biggest takeaway was your softball team was disbanded?!!

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

Here's the deal...Saturday morning I take our dog out for her morning pee, as per usual. She does her business and we head up the back steps. On the concrete just to the side of the brick step into the house there's this little pearlescent ball, and of course she has to smell it. It looks like a snail to me because (A) we've had an outbreak of those slimy little bastards the past couple weeks, and (B) I've got my bifocal contacts in since we aren't playing softball because our coach/sponsor bailed on us and nobody has picked me up off the waiver wire despite some interest a couple months ago so f#ck it I don't need to eagle-eye distance vision anyway cause I'm not in the outfield anymore and I'm tired of wearing reading glasses over distance contacts so I might as well wear these damned bifocal contacts cause they're great for reading at about 18 inches but not too great at about a 4-foot-and-beyond that range. So I pick the snail up to throw it out into the yard because I don't wanna step on it later and slime my back porch. Except it wasn't a snail.

As soon as my fingers touched it I knew something was off. The texture was wrong. Instead of being hard like a shell it was rubbery and pliable. No matter though and I casually tossed it into the yard. I looked back down to see if there were any more around (they usually travel in packs) and then OMMFG IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS OH MOTHERF#CK ME RUNNING HELL YES IT IS I see it...a cock-sucking tarantula-sized wolf spider is sitting on the vertical face of the brick step and of course the brick is brown and since I'm f#cking color deficient (gee thanks for helping save us from the Japs granddad -- he drove a Higgins boat in the Philipines -- but did ya really have to pass on that gene to mom then me???) it blended in and I didn't see it. Yes, apparently I had just picked up the motherf#cker's egg sack!!!

Fortunately I had a can of spider/scorpion/komodo dragon/Alien creature spray in the house and I used nearly the whole f#cking can on that damned thing. Then I got scooped up the egg sack -- IT WAS SO BIG YOU COULD SEE IT IN THE YARD FROM THE PORCH EVEN WITH BIFOCAL CONTACTS -- with our dogs poop scoop and took it to the edge of the field behind the house, doused it with lighter fluid, set fire to it, and then repeatedly jabbed the damned thing with a long screwdriver. 48 hours later I can still feel the texture of that f#cking sac and see that damned momma spider in my mind's eye and it freaks me out. Copious weed and booze for the remainder of the weekend didn't dull, much less erase, the memory. I think I'm gonna need some intense psychotherapy and/or electroshock therapy, or some good psilocybin, to get past this. I'd prefer not to have a prefrontal lobotomy, but I suppose that's on the table as well.

So basically I'm now an emotional, paranoid, psychotic wreck because my grandad survived WWII and my coach tanked the 2022 Men's Senior Slowly-Pitched Softball Season. Thanks guys, great work.

Couple weeks ago in the middle of the night I was awoken from my slumber with the urge to urinate. I walk into the bathroom and right to the the side of the toilet is what appears to be a giant ball of something. I assume its a ball of fur since we have two cats. It's roughly the size of a baseball flattened out. I take a ever so slight step into the bathroom. This cock sucking thing moves a little. It didn't move like a breeze hit it. So I was like "nope don't F**king like this one bit". So I flipped on the light. And there set a giant ass wolf spider in front my toilet. The only thing I could find was a shoe from the closet. This mother f#*ker tried to fight me. The first wack it only maimed him a little. He attempted to scurry off. I said he'll no you must die. Second wack maimed him a little more but still alive. Third whack I about put the shoe through the floor and I hit him hard enough he exploded and his 8 Satanic legs went in multiple directions. I killed the bastard and now anytime day or night when walking into the bathroom I do a complete check and look for its relatives.

So Mav i understand.

 

[_Mav_]

Couple weeks ago in the middle of the night I was awoken from my slumber with the urge to urinate. I walk into the bathroom and right to the the side of the toilet is what appears to be a giant ball of something. I assume its a ball of fur since we have two cats. It's roughly the size of a baseball flattened out. I take a ever so slight step into the bathroom. This cock sucking thing moves a little. It didn't move like a breeze hit it. So I was like "nope don't F**king like this one bit". So I flipped on the light. And there set a giant ass wolf spider in front my toilet. The only thing I could find was a shoe from the closet. This mother f#*ker tried to fight me. The first wack it only maimed him a little. He attempted to scurry off. I said he'll no you must die. Second wack maimed him a little more but still alive. Third whack I about put the shoe through the floor and I hit him hard enough he exploded and his 8 Satanic legs went in multiple directions. I killed the bastard and now anytime day or night when walking into the bathroom I do a complete check and look for its relatives.

So Mav i understand.

I feel your psychological pain.

 

[gobigbluebell]

Ayahuasca for both of yas then.

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

Also Mav you could play church league softball on my team.

 

[_Mav_]

Yea, that ayahuasca dude down in Bell Co or wherever. Fix ya right up.

Man I gotta be honest, now I'm having second thoughts about taking a DMT trip with him cause instead of snakes (most people report seeing serpents during their trips) I'm afraid I'll see f#cking psychedelic spiders.

 

[_Mav_]

Also Mav you could play church league softball on my team.

I appreciate the offer but...

1. I have a notoriously bad temper on the field because of a general and profound hatred for both opponents and umpires
2. My cursing would embarrass a sailor

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

I appreciate the offer but...

1. I have a notoriously bad temper on the field because of a general and profound hatred for both opponents and umpires
2. My cursing would embarrass a sailor

1. All of that is basically allowed.

2. You would not be a fan of our lack of stirrups.

 

[funKYcat75]

Yea, that ayahuasca dude down in Bell Co or wherever. Fix ya right up.

Ayahuasca is Mexican for “devil spiders”.

My worst spider story was about three zillion spider babies flying through the air, newly born. This was indoors, mind you, in a rental we had after getting married. I never met mama spider and she and I are both happy about that.

 

[_Mav_]

It's always amazed me how a simple extra pair of legs can exponentially increase a bug's ferociousness. Huge ass Goliath beetle with six legs? No problem whatsoever. Tiny f#cking baby spider? It's an all-hands-on-deck DEFCON 1 catastrophic nuclear emergency.

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

I'm pretty certain on about my 2nd whack on the spider he looked at me and gave me a middle finger. And said bring it b*tch.

 

[_Mav_]

That's only slightly bigger than the one on my back porch.

 

[funKYcat75]

 

[gobigbluebell]

I would embarrass myself so hard at that camp. If Maci could find it in her heart to let a man live out his basketball dreams in a judgement free zone…

Really, all I’m focused on is big boy football. The days are flying by. I believe this season we will have the greatest amount of talent Mark Stoops has had.

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

I would embarrass myself so hard at that camp. If Maci could find it in her heart to let a man live out his basketball dreams in a judgement free zone…

Really, all I’m focused on is big boy football. The days are flying by. I believe this season we will have the greatest amount of talent Mark Stoops has had.

I don't feel like your talking about basketball?

 

[_Mav_]

Really, all I’m focused on is big boy football.

My main focus right now is on the upcoming FFL draft. Got a good feeling about this year.

 

[gobigbluebell]

Yea, me too, Mav. Not gonna give away too many of my secrets, but I’m thinking Deshaun Watson is gonna lead me to the promise land.

 

[_Mav_]

Yea, me too, Mav. Not gonna give away too many of my secrets, but I’m thinking Deshaun Watson is gonna lead me to the promise land.

At the very least he gonna hook you up with some kick-ass massage therapists.

 

[gobigbluebell]

Yea, take me to the promise land lady.

 

[Kooky Kats]

9. from the Promised Land

(Where the beer flows like wine….)

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

 

[_Mav_]

I can tolerate record gas prices, exorbitant inflation, dudes calling themselves chicks but keeping their dicks to win swim meets, and all kinds of stuff like that, but re-making Road House with a gay cowboy reprising Patrick F#cking Swayze's Dalton is a bridge too far.

 

[funKYcat75]

Might actually be time to jump on the Padres bandwagon.

 

[_Mav_]

Might actually be time to jump on the Padres bandwagon.

Those day-glo unis though. Yikes.

Sorry Nando, no matter how hard you pose you can't look tough in neon yellow, pink and green.

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

Might actually be time to jump on the Padres bandwagon.

Perhaps.

But it’s most definitely the correct time to point out that, despite it appearing like this year might be different, the Yankees are something like 13-13 in their last 26 games. It has begun.

 

[_Mav_]

Speaking of the NFL...

 

[_Mav_]

 

[funKYcat75]

Shoulda been taller, IMO.

 

[_Mav_]

 

[gobigbluebell]

That’s my ball coach!

 

[_Mav_]

That’s my ball coach!

Yeah but put a wig on him and he'd make a killer front-man for a GUNS N' ROSES cover band.

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

Welcome to Kroger Field, we've got fun and games
We got everything you want honey, we know all the names
We have a roster with the coolest names you’ll ever meet
If you got the money, honey, we got your stadium seat

At the Kroger welcome to the Kroger
Watch Levis take a sha-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knee, knee
Mwah, I, I wanna watch you bleed

Welcome to Kroger Field, we take it day by day
If you want a ticket you're gonna bleed but it's the price to pay
And you're a very whiny fan base who's very hard to please
You can taste the bright lights but you won't get there for free
At the Kroger, welcome to the Kroger

Concession’s got i-i-i-ice cream
Ooh, ah, I want to hear you scream

Welcome to Kroger Field it gets worse here every day
You learn to live like an animal on Kroger where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see you'll take it eventually
You can have anything you want but you better not take it from me

At the Kroger, welcome to the Kroger
Watch Levi’s take a sha-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knee, knee
Mwah, I'm gonna watch you bleed

And when you're high, you never ever wanna come down
So down, so down, so down, yeah
You know where you are?

You're at Kroger Field baby, you're gonna die

At the Kroger, welcome to the Kroger
Watch Levis take a sha-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knee, knee
At the Kroger, welcome to the Kroger
Wait in long lines just to go p-p-p-p-pee

Kroger, welcome to the Kroger
Watch Levi’s take a sha-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-knee, knee
Down on Kroger Field, welcome to the Kroger
Watch Levis take a...
It's gonna bring you down, huh

 

[UKGrad93]

View embedded media

Sweet Child of Mine!

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

Sweet Child of Mine!

O’, 93. Sweet Child O’ Mine.

 

[_Mav_]

Me too. Yowza.

 

[-BBH-]

Hey guys. Well it's been an interesting year. I had a golf ball sized brain tumor on my stem. Went to three hospitals before I found someone who would operate on me. Went to Mayo Clinic. What a place, they sincerely saved my life. Other than a few scars on the back of my head, I have very few side effects. Now I am back to work and my everyday life. Even slamming Ultras on the reg.

Ready for UK sports. . .basketball next week, unreal.

 

[_Mav_]

Hey guys. Well it's been an interesting year. I had a golf ball sized brain tumor on my stem. Went to three hospitals before I found someone who would operate on me. Went to Mayo Clinic. What a place, they sincerely saved my life. Other than a few scars on the back of my head, I have very few side effects. Now I am back to work and my everyday life. Even slamming Ultras on the reg.

Ready for UK sports. . .basketball next week, unreal.

GOOD GAWD, BBH, really sorry to hear you had to go through that. Glad they found it, and glad you found someone to remove it, in time. Hang tough, brother 👊.

 

[Kaizer Sosay]

Hey guys. Well it's been an interesting year. I had a golf ball sized brain tumor on my stem. Went to three hospitals before I found someone who would operate on me. Went to Mayo Clinic. What a place, they sincerely saved my life. Other than a few scars on the back of my head, I have very few side effects. Now I am back to work and my everyday life. Even slamming Ultras on the reg.

Ready for UK sports. . .basketball next week, unreal.

Wow! Glad you are well, BBH. Hang in there, brother.

 

[UKWILDCAT2004]

Hey guys. Well it's been an interesting year. I had a golf ball sized brain tumor on my stem. Went to three hospitals before I found someone who would operate on me. Went to Mayo Clinic. What a place, they sincerely saved my life. Other than a few scars on the back of my head, I have very few side effects. Now I am back to work and my everyday life. Even slamming Ultras on the reg.

Ready for UK sports. . .basketball next week, unreal.

Man that is rough but with a good outcome for you! Glad you are slamming the ultras and living life!