Urgent headline-
"Capitol police arrest terrorist trying to destroy Congress with homemade explosive device...." Capitol police refused to comment on the "ongoing investigation" but ensured members of
the royal family Congress that such an insurrection would be punished to the fullest extent of the law and then some.
Here is a picture of the alleged assailant in the act. It is expected the Russian will be jailed for 10 years with all the video games and candy he can stand, at taxpayer expense of course, until his trial, (since his parents are conservative), and the man will receive honorary degrees and a Senate post upon his
indoctrination release from maximum security prison.
It is rumored that he mentioned trying "to hit Ukraine" with his next attempt, which is why his sentence was doubled by
Pelosi and Biden prosecutors from 5 years, but was not tripled because the device had origins in China.
Other than the fact that "he was wearing that Russian red hoodie, and acting like he belonged here in a public place," said Capitol police officer Will "Coyote" Edwards, "..no one else would have suspected his true intentions, but we were onto him from the first week he tried to launch the device. Then we waited until we could catch him in the act."
"Bystanders noticed the SWAT van a half mile from the park with a flat tire, but no one would give us a lift," said one team member, "or else we'd have kept him from launching the other 5 devices."
