"Hey guys, Coach Cal here with a quick word about tonight's game. I'm so excited to see who we are and what we're capable of but I want to let you know how hard this game will be. MSU is a great team. Not only that, I plan to play four dudes who couldn't shoot if they were on Christmas Vacation with Rudd in Chicago 75% of the game. I still don't know what an OOB play is so we definitely won't be defending them. Offensively, I'm excited to see how close we can get the shot clock to zero before Collins can get off a corner three. Defensively, I'm going to try to stick with guys that can't keep up with MSU's smaller lineup because I'm stuck in 2005 and fvck that modern basketball noise.
Just remember, if we lose, don't blame the kids. Blame me, but only because I'm trying so hard to make basketball as insufferable a sport as possible. If you ever thought I'd make you think bringing back Rick Pitino was a preferable option, you've probably been keeping up with us since 2018. Last thing before I go, I hired my daughter to work on some of our DDMO and rebounding drills and my wife will be head of basketball operations.
GBB!"