A day with an Eli Barron foursome
In one corner, we’ve got the Madisonville Community Golf Course, wearing a partly cloudy demeanor on a Saturday morning as it hosts for the 44th time the Eli Barron Invitational golf tournament.
In another corner, wearing their hangovers on their golf shirt sleeves, is a foursome from Lexington and Louisville consisting of 30-somethings Casey Urschel, Anthony Schembari, Keith Garrett and Brian Burnett, each making a repeat trip (if not a repeat repeat repeat repeat trip) to the August classic.
And in a third corner: beer. Lots and lots of beer.
Hole 1: “We better move off to the side,” Schembari cautions this reporter as another member of the foursome takes his second shot. “We’re in the danger zone.”
But then, who isn’t in the danger zone when any one of these far-from-the-top guns step up to take a shot? None of them are perennial contenders like Chad Audas, who will win this year’s title after third-place finishes each of the past two years.
Instead, they’ll be drinking lots of beer, winning money off of each other (or being “forced” to chug a beer) in a Byzantinian maze of side bets when the play gets particularly bad, and who knows, maybe even avoiding the fate that awaited Urschel in 2009, when he finished dead last with a two-round score of 249.
But those whom the golfing gods destroy, they first lull into a sense of complacency. While Urschel, Burnett and Garnett all double-bogey the first hole, with Urschel missing a 6-foot putt, Shcembari surprises everyone by parring the hole.
“Start off with a par just like that,” Schembari marvels, “Usually a bogey.”
Hole 2: Not that pars and bogeys really factor into the comptition for these guys.
“We don’t gamble on score,” Schembari explains. “We penalize on bad plays. Any time you go into the water, it’s a dollar. Anytime you get a snowman, it’s a dollar, any time you lose a ball, it’s a dollar. And then we’ll randomly play for putts on par 3s.”
That’s actually a thumbnail description of the confusing system the quartet has cooked up for today, but the comment is otherwise apt, as the dollars are about start flowing freely. Urschel sends his tee shot out of bounds, which sends him off and crawling to a nine on the par-5 hole, while Burnett’s sails off into the trees.
“The wind died just as I hit it,” Burnett complains. “Not that it would have made a difference.”
Burnett is still in the trees when he takes his third shot, his expectations significantly diminished.
“I’m hoping this one is in the bunker,” Burnett begs. “Please be in the bunker.”
Eventually, Burnett finally lands one on the edge of the green. That’s when the golfing gods decide to screw with him: his chip goes in from 30 feet out for a triple-bogey.
“That’s how you save an eight,” Burnett mock-boasts.
Hole 3: At 1-under-par entering this hole, Schembari is only one back of eventual champ Audas. Everyone else is racing to cough up money, however: Urschel is at 6-over-par; Burnett, 5-over-par; and Garnett, 4-over-par.
The quartet is still a couple hours away from Acapulco Grill, the on-site Mexican restaurant they’ll have to pass to get to the 10th tee, but Burnett already sees the writing on the border wall.
“I’ll be buying chalupas at the turn at this rate,” Burnett said.
Schembari has something to say about that, however, triple-bogeying the hole, while Chalupa Boy actually pars it. Still, Burnett is not feeling so great.
“This is the worst I’ve played in a long time,” Burnett says. “I’m a little bit hungover. We all had a little bit too much fun last night.”
Hole 4: So what are these four men doing 200 miles away from their native central Kentucky habitat? As Schembari’s Jambox plays Dwight Yoakam’s “Million Miles From Nowhere” in their golf cart, Burnett ventures an explanation on why he’s 250 miles from somewhere.
“Adrian (Baldwin), one of our mutual friends, he lives down here,” Burnett said. “He got some people to come down a few years before I did, and they talked about how much fun they had, so I was like, ‘Hell, I’ve got to go.’ It’s like a mini-vacation, especially for me. I’ve got two kids at home and a wife at home, so I don’t get out very often. It’s fun.”
At least for the next few minutes it will be, anyway. A chronic condition of his acts up, sending him back to his car for his medication. He’ll miss the next three holes.
In solidarity, Urschel and Garrett miss the fourth hole as well — with their clubs, repeatedly. Garrett quintuple-bogeys the par-4, while Urschel notches a 10.
Hole 5: Schembari has met the enemy and the enemy is the fifth hole.
“This is one of my nemesis holes,” Schembari says of the par 4. “You’ve got an (out of bounds) that runs all the way down the right side and then you’ve got a hazard that runs all the way down the left side. And I don’t hit the ball very far, so then I’ve got to layup, and sometimes I’ll layup and still hit it in the water. So then I’ll drop and hit it in the water again. So yeah, this is one of the tougher holes for me.”
Schembari may not be winning the war against the fifth hole, but he wins the battle, parring it. He remains the leader of the fourpack with a 5-over-par.
Hole 6: “Storm’s coming,” Schembari announces as he waits to tee off. “You can feel that. Hoo-boy.”
Also arriving is Burnett, who is still hungover but now hungover with some Xanax thrown into the equation.
“You better, bud?” Schembari asks Burnett, who launches into a bit of Monday morning quarterbacking — to seriously mix a metaphor — about his sudden departure.
“I should’ve taken it earlier,” Burnett said. “I always know when.”
“You just listen to me,” Schembari says. “I’ll lead you in the right direction.”
Not that there weren’t limits to his concern, at least on the fourth hole. “I was like, ‘Man, I love you, but I got a birdie putt,’” Schembari says.
Hole 7: That won’t be a problem for Schembari on this hole, however. “I’m 30 feet from the hole, laying four (strokes) and ended up with a nine,” Schembari groans. “I four-putted.”
Hole 8: “Without order, there is chaos,” Burnett muses as he tees off.
“We’ve definitely got chaos,” Schembari says.
What Burnett doesn’t have is a ball that can make it past the ladies tees, which under group rules will cost him a buck. Fortunately for Schembari the group rules don’t weigh in either way on whiffed shots, which saves him money when he proceeds to do just that on his second shot.
“I think we’re going to switch clubs,” he decides.
Hole 9: Burnett, the most likely of the bunch to have had some high school theater in his past, is singing along with the Jambox as it makes the bumpy transition from Foreigner’s “Jukebox Hero” to Milli Vanilli’s “Girl You Know It’s True.” Somehow this caterwauling isn’t helping Urschel’s hangover from the night before, so in desperation he turns to Schembari.
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