Bad Jokes Told by Your Parents/Older Generation

[GrandePdre]

Let's hear 'em.


My dad: Hobo sat on a boxcar. His d*ck ("feet" when I was a kid) was dragging the ground. His name was Longfellow.

My step-mom: Do you know how to cook toilet paper? Neither do I, but I know how to brown it on one side!

 

[-LEK-]

If you fart in church, you sit in your own pew

 

[DSmith21]

What do you call balls on a gay man? Mud flaps. (as told to me by an older gay co-worker)

 

[BlueRaider22]

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit? You-nique up on it.
2. What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no-eye-deer.
3. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? I still have no-eye-deer.
4. What does a horse eat? Hay. What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaa-aaaay. (in stereotypical gay voice)

 

[B.B.d.K.]

All of them.

 

[MdWIldcat55]

1. City boy came to visit his cousin in Kentucky. They were playing in a field when they came across a pile of rabbit turds. The city boy said, "What are those?" and his cousin said, "Those are smart pills. We eat those to boost our IQ." So the city kid picks one up and chews on it, then spits it out and says, "That tastes like shit." To which his cousin says, "See? You are smarter already."

2. Mamma's boy from the city wanted to marry a virgin, totally naive about sex, and figured he'd have a better chance finding one in the hills of Kentucky. So he roamed around, asking attractive and very young girls this question: "Do you know what a penis is?" It took a while but finally he found this beautiful young girl who professed to having no idea what a penis was. He was overjoyed, and so they married. On their wedding night he came to her and said, "Darling, you remember when I asked you if you knew what a penis was?" "Yes I do." "And you had no idea?" "I still don't," she said.

So he dramatically opened his robe and said, "That's a penis!" She studied it closely for a minute, then said, "So, it's like a pecker only smaller?"

 

[TheTruCatsFan]

1. City boy came to visit his cousin in Kentucky. They were playing in a field when they came across a pile of rabbit turds. The city boy said, "What are those?" and his cousin said, "Those are smart pills. We eat those to boost our IQ." So the city kid picks one up and chews on it, then spits it out and says, "That tastes like shit." To which his cousin says, "See? You are smarter already."

2. Mamma's boy from the city wanted to marry a virgin, totally naive about sex, and figured he'd have a better chance finding one in the hills of Kentucky. So he roamed around, asking attractive and very young girls this question: "Do you know what a penis is?" It took a while but finally he found this beautiful young girl who professed to having no idea what a penis was. He was overjoyed, and so they married. On their wedding night he came to her and said, "Darling, you remember when I asked you if you knew what a penis was?" "Yes I do." "And you had no idea?" "I still don't," she said.

So he dramatically opened his robe and said, "That's a penis!" She studied it closely for a minute, then said, "So, it's like a pecker only smaller?"

Whatchu got against city boys?

 

[funKYcat75]

A man and his father stare lovingly through the hospital window at the newest member of their family, a 6 pound 8 ounce bundle of joy.

"Son, now that you have your own family, I want you to have this," says the dad as he pulls a book from his coat.

He hands the tome 101 Dad Jokes to the son and they embrace. "This was my father's, it was mine, and now it's yours."

"I ... I don't know what to say, Dad. I'm speechless."

"Hello, Speechless. I'm Dad."

 

[MdWIldcat55]

Whatchu got against city boys?

Always a common theme in the jokes that circulated when I was a kid: The savvy country folk getting over on the book-smart but out-of-touch city folk.

Here's another example:

An anthropologist from New York gets a grant to study the sexual habits of the rustic folk in Appalachia. He decides to take a walking tour of the region to get his bearings. The first day, he spots a naked young guy sprinting through a field. As he looks closer he sees the guy is chasing a jackrabbit, which he catches and then has furious sex with. This really startles the scientist, and he writes a long, detailed note. He walks along a little further, and he spots a spindly, aged graybeard naked, and leaning against a split rail fence masturbating without a care in the world. This is too much for the anthropologist, so he decides to interview the old man:

"Sir, Can you tell me what is going on with the sexual habits around here?"
"What do you mean," the man said.
"Well, this money I spotted a young man running down a rabbit to have sex with, and now I spot you pleasuring yourself out in the open."
The old man squints at him to make sure it is a serious question, then says, "Well hell, you surely don't think I'm capable of running down a jackrabbit?"

 

[wild mandu]

I can't recall, something about a black gentleman and a Pontiac...

 

[jamo0001]

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs yet jumping over a barbed-wire fence?
UDDER DESTRUCTION

 

[BlueRaider22]

A professor of anatomy is teaching his med class during a cadaver lab. He notes:
"You know, if you are all going to be medical doctors in the future you have to be able to get over gross things."

The professor reaches down and sticks a finger in the butt of one of the cadavers......then removes it and sticks a finger in his mouth.

"Now, I want you all to do the same."

After all the students complete the task in utter disgust, the professor then notes:

"Now, if you are all going to medical doctors you have to learn to pay attention. I stuck my middle finger in the butt and the index finger in my mouth."

 

[wild mandu]

A professor of anatomy is teaching his med class during a cadaver lab. He notes:
"You know, if you are all going to be medical doctors in the future you have to be able to get over gross things."

The professor reaches down and sticks a finger in the butt of one of the cadavers......then removes it and sticks a finger in his mouth.

"Now, I want you all to do the same."

After all the students complete the task in utter disgust, the professor then notes:

"Now, if you are all going to medical doctors you have to learn to pay attention. I stuck my middle finger in the butt and the index finger in my mouth."

This belongs in "Great jokes told by old people."

 

[BlueRaider22]

^I want to give a shout out to the one who told me this joke. Dr. Maley......my Gross Anatomy teacher at UK. Coincidently he was the first guy to introduce me to Graeter's Ice Cream (specifically Black Raspberry Choc Chip).

He's a great man, indeed.....

 

[Glenn's take]

How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side? They called back.

 

[BlueRaider22]

How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side? They called back.

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

She's a woman.

 

[BlueRaider22]

I had Dr. Maley also for PT school. He'd come to Hazard and teach gross lab every Friday November-February. He was the Ohio State fan, right? I think I've got the right guy.

I named our cadaver "Woody" by coincidence. He thought it was in homage of Coach Woody Hayes. He actually just had a huge dong that wouldn't go completely limp.

That's him. He was always very respectful and business like in the labs, but would loosen up outside in a classroom setting. Given the gravity of working with cadavers, I always respected that.

I used to go back and forth with him quite a bit about being a Buckeye. My dad is from Michigan.....and so, I carry a little love for the Wolverines too. Maley and I used to go back and forth.

 

[WildcatfaninOhio]

Why is a wrist watch a bad gift for your wife?

'Cause she doesn't need one. There's a clock right there on the stove!

 

[We-Todd-Did]

Not my dad, but a friend of his told me this when I was too young to understand it:

A married couple returned home from their honeymoon and went to bed for the first time together in their own bedroom. The man said, "Honey the honeymoon sex was great, we went 3 times a day for a whole week. I understand you may not be in the mood for it as much now, so whenever you come to bed, if you want sex, just tug my penis once. If you don't feel like having sex, tug 40 or 50 times."

 

[DSmith21]

I was told this one by a friend before I got married, he told me that I wouldn't understand it until a few years had passed:

Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Alec.

"Well, see the other day, I went to buy airline tickets. The rather attractive sales clerk was wearing a low cut blouse and instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for “two Pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I looked at her and meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"

 

[WildcatfaninOhio]

Heard both of these from my grandfather...

How did Germany defeat Poland so quickly? The Pollocks would throw hand grenades at the German soldiers. The Germans would pick them up, pull the pins, and throw them back.

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees? Because German soldiers like to march in the shade.

 

[BlueRaider22]

^if your looking for cheap firearms look no further than French rifles from WW2. Most are in excellent condition. Never been fired and only dropped once.

 

[Glochid]

I thought this thread was going to be a thinly veiled excuse for telling racist and sexist jokes but so far they all suck.

 

[ram1955]

EKU grad to child

An EKU guy and a wku guy are in the restroom. EKU guy gets finished using the urinal, zips and heads for the door. wku guy says (in the customary pseudo-intellectual tone) "At wku, they teach us to wash our hands after urinating". EKU guy responds, "At EKU, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

 

[ram1955]

"Wanna hear a knock-knock joke?" "Okay, you start it.".......Fell for that one every time until I was 10.

 

[ram1955]

How do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? They taste different.

 

[KingOfBBN]

First off I hate loooong jokes.

My dad would tell the worst jokes. They were terrible and I remember he would embarrass the hell out of me if I brought a girl home. I remember this specific one though.

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables and the bartender looks at him and says, "Now buddy don't you start nothin."

 

[BBUK]

If you're African in the kitchen and Asian in the living room....what are you in the bathroom?

 

[ram1955]

I don't get it.

I'll word it differently:
Person 1: "You want to hear a knock-knock joke?"
Person 2: "Sure"
Person 1: "Okay, you start it."

 

[-LEK-]

I thought the whole point was terrible jokes?

 

[KingOfBBN]

In order to save face and not look completely stupid I'm gonna give an obligatory laughing emoji.

good one.

I still don't get it. I feel like this is one of those pictures where if you stare at it long enough, you see a sailboat.

 

[GhostVol]

A Kentucky Colonel woke up one morning with a hangover. Asked the waiter at his hotel to bring him a quart of bourbon, a steak, and a stray dog for breakfast.

The waiter said "Sir, I understand the bourbon and steak. But why a stray dog?"

The Colonel replied "To eat the steak, Suh!"

Told to me NUMEROUS times by the elder men in my family

 

[TheySoSensitive]

if I brought a girl home.

 

[KingOfBBN]

Yeah. Some of us in high school brought our girlfriends home instead of resorting to abusing themselves to catalogs in the corner of their mommy's closet.

Don't hate me because the only person you got to finger back in the day was yourself.

You feel me, dawg?

 

[Blueisbest]

My dad would tell a really bad joke whenever we drove past a cemetery. He would ask me, "Do you know how many dead people are in that cemetery?" Of course I would always say no. Then he would say, "All of them."

Man, I really miss my dad.

 

[BBUK]

European....

 

[ram1955]

When passing the cemetery, , my dad would say "Look kids, that's where all the dead people live."

 

[ram1955]

What do you call a good looking woman in Ohio?

Lost

 

[BlueRaider22]

What do you get when you cross a Tennessee Volunteer and a Lou-a-vull Card-null?

It's a trick question......cause there are some things that even a Volunteer won't do....

 

[Chuckinden]

Where did Grant keep his armies. Up his sleevies.

 

[sg24]

What do you get when you cross a Tennessee Volunteer and a Lou-a-vull Card-null?

It's a trick question......cause there are some things that even a Volunteer won't do....

to give the cards credit volunteer prolly don't have family in the ville.

 

[catsfanbgky]

Do you know how to get a witch pregnant ? You f**k her.

How did Indiana get the nick name Hoosier ? KY men would swim across the Ohio River, touch the Indiana women, then come back to the KY side. All of the kids born from this would grow up running around asking other kids, Hoosier daddy ?

Want to hear a dirty joke ? Boy jumped in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean joke ? He took a shower.