Bad Jokes Told by Your Parents/Older Generation
- Thread starter GrandePdre
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Answer: A Cock Robin
Question: What are you putting in my mouth Batman?
Question: What are you putting in my mouth Batman?
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
"You're adopted." Mom's favorite. Used it just the other day. Sometimes she follows it up with, " No, son, I'm serious." All dead pan and shit. Been doing it as long as I can remember.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
"You're adopted." Mom's favorite. Used it just the other day. Sometimes she follows it up with, " No, son, I'm serious." All dead pan and shit. Been doing it as long as I can remember.
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"Pete and repeat sat on a fence. Pete fell off. who was left?"
Hilarity ensues as you can imagine.
Another one:
Dad Buckets: Let's have a contest who can hit the least hardest. You go first.
Kid Buckets: Ok.
<< Proceeds to lightly tap Dad Buckets on the arm.
Dad Buckets then punches Kid Buckets hard in the arm.
Dad Buckets: You win.
Hilarity ensues as you can imagine.
Another one:
Dad Buckets: Let's have a contest who can hit the least hardest. You go first.
Kid Buckets: Ok.
<< Proceeds to lightly tap Dad Buckets on the arm.
Dad Buckets then punches Kid Buckets hard in the arm.
Dad Buckets: You win.
Indian boy to his dad: "Dad, how did you get the name Falling Star?"
Indian dad: "After I was born, my parents named me after the first thing they saw when they looked out their tipi. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"
Indian dad: "After I was born, my parents named me after the first thing they saw when they looked out their tipi. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"
We used to go up and ask someone: "You want a Hertz donut?" The reply was always: "What's a Hertz donut?" Then you would grab their nose between your index and middle finger knuckles and jerk it hard. "Owwwwwh" they would cry. You say: "Hertz, Donut?" Chuckle, chuckle..
A little old toothless termite walks in to a bar and says he only has one question....
"Is the bartender here?"
Best joke EVER!
"Is the bartender here?"
Best joke EVER!
Old woman walks up the steps of the church while checking her watch. She sees the door open and the Father walks out....
She says, "Father, is Mass out"?
He replies, "No, but your hat is on crooked".
She says, "Father, is Mass out"?
He replies, "No, but your hat is on crooked".
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
What is the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.....let the bitch do the laundry in the dark.
None.....let the bitch do the laundry in the dark.
hell, why not:
Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Heh. Because she was a woman.
Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
A: Heh. Because she was a woman.
![[laughing]](http://l.yimg.com/j/assets/img/emoticons/classic/laugh.r191677.gif "Laughing [laughing]")
A man dies and goes to heaven.
As he enters the pearly gates St. Peter shows him a wall with clocks on it.
The man asks about the clocks, and St. Peter tells him they are lie clocks.
"Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time you lie the clock moves one minute forward".
The man notices a clock stuck on midnight.
St. Peter says that's mother Teresa's lie clock, it has never moved, thus she has
Never told a lie.
Then he sees Abe Lincoln's clock. It has only moved two minutes, indicating that he'd only lied twice in his life.
The man turns to saint Pete and asks where Barrack Obama's clock is?
St. Peter says, his is in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan!
Bazinga!
As he enters the pearly gates St. Peter shows him a wall with clocks on it.
The man asks about the clocks, and St. Peter tells him they are lie clocks.
"Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time you lie the clock moves one minute forward".
The man notices a clock stuck on midnight.
St. Peter says that's mother Teresa's lie clock, it has never moved, thus she has
Never told a lie.
Then he sees Abe Lincoln's clock. It has only moved two minutes, indicating that he'd only lied twice in his life.
The man turns to saint Pete and asks where Barrack Obama's clock is?
St. Peter says, his is in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan!
Bazinga!
A young bull and old bull are walking along the plateau when the come upon an overlook to the valley below. They spot a heard of heffers grazing in the valley. The young bull starts jumping up and down and says...Let's run down there and f@#k us a heffer. The old bull proclaims, Let's walk down and f@#k'em all.
Its always the stupid jokes you remember....
This one I have remembered since I was 10, its awful but for some reason stuck in my head, and literally don't know a single person that has ever found it funny.
"Man is visiting Texas and walks into a HUGE bar and orders a drink. The lady brings him a 64 ounce glass of beer.
"Wow, this is huge!" the main says
"Well, don't you know? Everything is bigger in texas!"
The man then orders a burger, and a 64OZ double cheesburger comes out that the man barely finishes.
"Man, everything really is bigger down here, where is your bathroom miss?"
"Its the 6th door on your left" the waitress says.
The man walks down the massive hallway and accidentally goes into the sixth door on the right, where the pool is located, the waitress heres a big splash, and the man starts screaming.
The waitress runs down the hallway and opens the door where the man is in a panic and splashing around in the pool.
"Are you okay?" the waitress asks.
"Yeah, but please, don't flush! Don't flush!!" the man yells.
This one I have remembered since I was 10, its awful but for some reason stuck in my head, and literally don't know a single person that has ever found it funny.
"Man is visiting Texas and walks into a HUGE bar and orders a drink. The lady brings him a 64 ounce glass of beer.
"Wow, this is huge!" the main says
"Well, don't you know? Everything is bigger in texas!"
The man then orders a burger, and a 64OZ double cheesburger comes out that the man barely finishes.
"Man, everything really is bigger down here, where is your bathroom miss?"
"Its the 6th door on your left" the waitress says.
The man walks down the massive hallway and accidentally goes into the sixth door on the right, where the pool is located, the waitress heres a big splash, and the man starts screaming.
The waitress runs down the hallway and opens the door where the man is in a panic and splashing around in the pool.
"Are you okay?" the waitress asks.
"Yeah, but please, don't flush! Don't flush!!" the man yells.
Grandpa and grandson are sitting on the front porch. Grandson notices grandpa smoking a cigar.
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar too?"
"Well grandson, is your pecker long enough to touch your ass."
"No, I'm just a little kid."
"Then you're not man enough for a cigar"
A few minutes pass and grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Grandpa, can I have a beer too?"
"Well grandson, is your pecker long enough to touch your ass?"
"No, I'm just a little kid."
"Then you're not man enough to have a beer"
Frustrated, the grandson goes inside. He returns a few minutes later, munching on some cookies.
"Hey grandson, can I have one of those cookies?"
"Well grandpa is your pecker long enough to touch your ass?"
"Hell yeah it is, I'm a man!"
"Then you can go f*** yourself, grandma made these for me."
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar too?"
"Well grandson, is your pecker long enough to touch your ass."
"No, I'm just a little kid."
"Then you're not man enough for a cigar"
A few minutes pass and grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Grandpa, can I have a beer too?"
"Well grandson, is your pecker long enough to touch your ass?"
"No, I'm just a little kid."
"Then you're not man enough to have a beer"
Frustrated, the grandson goes inside. He returns a few minutes later, munching on some cookies.
"Hey grandson, can I have one of those cookies?"
"Well grandpa is your pecker long enough to touch your ass?"
"Hell yeah it is, I'm a man!"
"Then you can go f*** yourself, grandma made these for me."
A woman wants to get married and have a family, but she can't meet a man. She starts to worry that something is wrong with her, so she goes to see a Chinese doctor. She tells him she wants him to figure out why she can't seem to meet anyone.
"Take off your crothes," the doctor said.
She takes off her clothes
"Get on froor."
She gets on the floor.
"Crawr around in circer."
She crawls around naked in a circle for a few minutes.
"I see probrem," the doctor says. "You have Eggs Zachary Disease."
"Oh doctor, that sounds horrible!" she says. "What is Eggs Zachary disease?"
"Your face rooks Eggs Zachary rike your ass."
"Take off your crothes," the doctor said.
She takes off her clothes
"Get on froor."
She gets on the floor.
"Crawr around in circer."
She crawls around naked in a circle for a few minutes.
"I see probrem," the doctor says. "You have Eggs Zachary Disease."
"Oh doctor, that sounds horrible!" she says. "What is Eggs Zachary disease?"
"Your face rooks Eggs Zachary rike your ass."
My father didn't tell this LONG joke, but I heard it from an old man who was volunteering with me at the old Bank One Golf Classic at Kearney:
There was a piano player/composer who was trying to get his big break on Broadway. He finally got an audition with a show producer to play some of his music. The first thing he played completely wowed the producer, who said, "That was fantastic! I've never heard anything so beautiful! What do you call that piece?"
"That's one of my favorites. I call it 'F***ing You In the A**." The producer was shocked, and said, "Really? That's the title of that piece? Well, we can't use that. What else have you got?" The composer proceeded to play another tune, and this one was even better that the first. The producer was completely blown away at this point. "Wow, that was incredible. Please tell me it doesn't have a vulgar title like the last one."
"No, of course not," the composer replied. "I was particularly inspired on this one. It's called 'I Took a Sh*t On Your Car." Again, the producer was not happy with the title.
"Listen," the producer began, "I have to hire you, because your music is some of the best I've ever heard, but we can't use those titles. If you'd agree not to tell anyone what they're really called, you're hired." The composer agreed, and they began working on the show.
Several weeks later, the show opened and wowed its audience from the start. At intermission, the composer went to the bathroom. As he came out a lady stopped him and said, "Love your show, but do you know your fly's open and your d*ck is hanging out?"
"Know it? Hell, I wrote that song!"
There was a piano player/composer who was trying to get his big break on Broadway. He finally got an audition with a show producer to play some of his music. The first thing he played completely wowed the producer, who said, "That was fantastic! I've never heard anything so beautiful! What do you call that piece?"
"That's one of my favorites. I call it 'F***ing You In the A**." The producer was shocked, and said, "Really? That's the title of that piece? Well, we can't use that. What else have you got?" The composer proceeded to play another tune, and this one was even better that the first. The producer was completely blown away at this point. "Wow, that was incredible. Please tell me it doesn't have a vulgar title like the last one."
"No, of course not," the composer replied. "I was particularly inspired on this one. It's called 'I Took a Sh*t On Your Car." Again, the producer was not happy with the title.
"Listen," the producer began, "I have to hire you, because your music is some of the best I've ever heard, but we can't use those titles. If you'd agree not to tell anyone what they're really called, you're hired." The composer agreed, and they began working on the show.
Several weeks later, the show opened and wowed its audience from the start. At intermission, the composer went to the bathroom. As he came out a lady stopped him and said, "Love your show, but do you know your fly's open and your d*ck is hanging out?"
"Know it? Hell, I wrote that song!"
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