Contract extension >>satire
LEXINGTON - The University of Kentucky announced this morning that they are offering men's basketball coach John Calipari a contract extension that defies the boundaries of both time and space.
Calipari, already under a lifetime contract with UK, is set to sign a "double lifetime" contract extension that ensures his presence on the court even beyond the grave. The new contract not only guarantees Calipari a staggering pay raise but also grants him the unprecedented ability to coach from the afterlife.
"We believe in Coach Calipari's vision for the program, both in this life and the next," stated UK's athletic director Mitch Barnhart in a press release.
The timing of this announcement is being called into question following last night's heartbreaking first round loss to Oakland in the NCAA tournament. University officials maintain that the decision was made independently of last night's crushing defeat.
However, some critics couldn't help but wonder if the contract extension was a desperate attempt to distract fans from the team's disappointing performance. "Maybe they're hoping Coach Cal can work some magic from the beyond to salvage their program," noted longtime fan Anthony Beeler of Georgetown.
According to details of the contract, Calipari will receive an annual salary of $17 million until the year 2424, as well as a $20 million signing bonus. In addition, beginning next year, all children born in central Kentucky will have to be named after him.
"I'm committed to this program," said Calipari, when asked about his new contract. "Go Wildcats!"
This is a developing story.
This article is sponsored by Empire Restoration
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The Georgetown Insider is a news satire and parody publication. All content contained within this page, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional. Thank you!
#Kentucky #basketball #UK #coachcal #college #athletics #breakingnews #JohnCalipari
LEXINGTON - The University of Kentucky announced this morning that they are offering men's basketball coach John Calipari a contract extension that defies the boundaries of both time and space.
Calipari, already under a lifetime contract with UK, is set to sign a "double lifetime" contract extension that ensures his presence on the court even beyond the grave. The new contract not only guarantees Calipari a staggering pay raise but also grants him the unprecedented ability to coach from the afterlife.
"We believe in Coach Calipari's vision for the program, both in this life and the next," stated UK's athletic director Mitch Barnhart in a press release.
The timing of this announcement is being called into question following last night's heartbreaking first round loss to Oakland in the NCAA tournament. University officials maintain that the decision was made independently of last night's crushing defeat.
However, some critics couldn't help but wonder if the contract extension was a desperate attempt to distract fans from the team's disappointing performance. "Maybe they're hoping Coach Cal can work some magic from the beyond to salvage their program," noted longtime fan Anthony Beeler of Georgetown.
According to details of the contract, Calipari will receive an annual salary of $17 million until the year 2424, as well as a $20 million signing bonus. In addition, beginning next year, all children born in central Kentucky will have to be named after him.
"I'm committed to this program," said Calipari, when asked about his new contract. "Go Wildcats!"
This is a developing story.
This article is sponsored by Empire Restoration
*****
The Georgetown Insider is a news satire and parody publication. All content contained within this page, however similar to real events, is fictitious. Any real, semi-real or similar names, places, people, products, services and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding story details are purely fictional. Thank you!
#Kentucky #basketball #UK #coachcal #college #athletics #breakingnews #JohnCalipari
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