Funny sayings your parents said

[BBBLazing]

I'm 86 years old and say things that drive my kids and grandkids crazy, but most of it I learned from my dear mom and dad.
Mom
1. Someone that complains about everything: They'd be mad if they were hung with a gold rope.
2. Someone that is always in other's business: They're afraid someone will fart and they won't get to smell it.
3. When you didn't to as told: I've told you 30 eleven times to do that.

Now my Dad
1. Want in one hand and shit in the other and tell me which one gets full first.
2. On a beautiful day: If the weather was like this year round, we couldn't afford to live here.
3. Someone says "are you shitting me": I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd.

Finally, they both called what we would now probably refer to as a punk little kid as "shit asses".

Anyone else have any?

 

[hmt5000]

Dad. "tamp salt" I didn't understand it for years then after putting enough post in the ground and understanding the physical properties of salt... I always laffed my ass off.

 

[BlueThruAndThru]

Dad: "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a b*tch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, a**hole, jerk."

Mom: "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful."

Dad: "Shut up b*tch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "Dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

 

[the nail at the foul line]

My dad:.
For homely women "She looks like a haint"

Haint is apparently from the Carolina coast, I assumed it came from the old country. It may be African American instead. I used it with a group of Midwesterners once and they had no clue.

He is so tight. He wouldn't pay a penny to see a piss ant eat an elephant.


My mom:

About quiet people:. "Wouldn't say suey if a hog was chasing him ( her)."

Not very smart people "Man of many functions."

They both said didn't have sense God gave a goose.

 

[storm1507]

Dad...81 now

"You're grinning like a s**t eating possum"

"You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders"

"You're so (many options here) if your head itched you'd scratch your ass"


Mom....she's 4'10 & 3/4"

"Wait til your Dad gets home" Uh-oh

 

[blubo]

Mom: “go cut me a switch!”

 

[WildcatfaninOhio]

These were Grandma's. She lived with us growing up.

When I said I wanted something. - "Yeah, well people in hell want ice water!"

When I said I lost something - "You'd lose your head if it wasn't attached!"

When I said I couldn't find something that was right where it belonged, or in plain sight - "If it was a snake it woulda bit ya!"

When I scarfed down a meal, had seconds, and still asked for more - "You could eat the north end of a south-bound skunk!"

She'd spend a couple hours preparing dinner, and as soon as we were all done - "Good eatin' is followed by good dish washin'!". Meaning, I cooked so y'all are cleaning up.

 

[Hank Camacho]

My dad:.
For homely women " She looks like a haint"

Haint is apparently from the Carolina coast, I assumed it came from the old country. It may be African American instead. I used it with a group of Midwesterners once and they had no clue.

My dad always called people "crazy as a haint". When asked what a haint was, his explanation would only be "a crazy person."

Every corner was the "far corner".

If something was screwed up it was "konkeewonked".

Anything in the distance was "over yonder".

 

[the nail at the foul line]

My dad always called people "crazy as a haint". When asked what a haint was, his explanation would only be "a crazy person."

Every corner was the "far corner".

If something was screwed up it was "konkeewonked".

Anything in the distance was "over yonder".

Haint as my father used it was a scary looking ghost

 

[gamecockcat]

Lazy person: he hasn't struck a lick at a snake in a 'coons age.

Dad: He's about as pleasant as pleurisy.

Dad: ( phony) He's a stuffed shirt.

Playing the if game: well, if my aunt had balls, she'd have been my uncle.

How hot is it: hotter than my granny's cooter on her wedding night (not my parents, but a friend of mine's).

 

[catlanta33]

Do what?

You'll have that.

Can't afford it.

Buuuuullllshhhhiiiit (UK games)

 

[80 Proof]

My dad is full of these sayings,

Harder than Japanese arithmetic.

He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you told him the instructions were written on the heel.

Stiffer than a preachers dick in a calves ass.

I wouldn't pay that much to see a piss ant eat a bale of hay.

That could puke a maggot off a gut wagon.

She's so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road.

 

[Elbridge]

My dad to me growing up: "I've been 18. You haven't been 50."

 

[ukalum01]

My dad....

"That smells like kyarn."

"Did you go tradin' today?" (instead of "grocery shopping")

"Are you courtin' that girl or not?"

 

[CaptainBoogerBuns]

Dad: "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a b*tch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, a**hole, jerk."

Mom: "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful."

Dad: "Shut up b*tch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "Dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Spilled paint on the garage floor

 

[CorbinCatFan]

Dad: Women are all the same except for their cookin'.

 

[FearThe Blue]

Mom used to say “You’d complain if someone shit in your soup.”

That always seemed to me a valid grounds for complaining.

 

[dukesince91]

My 8th grade English teacher: you’re so dumb if I took your brain and put it in a gnats head, it would fly backwards.

 

[BGCATFAN2012]

Quit playing with ur diggy...its gonna rip off

 

[BBUK]

Dad: "Rub your mad spot."

Dad: "She is pure ugly."

Dad: "Be smarter than What you're working on."

Dad: "Shit fire and save matches"...

 

[Uncle Ivan]

My dad, what I can remember at the moment:

"Nastier than the splashboard on a gutwagon."
Something smelled so bad, "it would gag a maggot."
"Harder than Chinese arithmetic."
"Harder than times in '29."
Something so hard, "a cat couldn't scratch it."
"Stiffer than a wedding dick."

 

[Glenn's take]

The dumbest thing my father ever said was that beggars can't be chosers. In today's society was he ever wrong. Not only can beggars chose but they can dictate terms.

 

[CaptainBoogerBuns]

Dad: "Rub your mad spot."

Dad: "She is pure ugly."

Dad: "Be smarter than What you're working on."

Dad: "Shit fire and save matches"...

If I ever live long enough to know what those things mean, I’m a world beater 100 percent.

 

[WildcatFan1982]

if it was a snake it would have bit ya

 

[Get Bucket$]

“Glad you got to see me.”

When asked how he was doing “Bout three quarters” every time.

 

[wildcatwelder]

My dad: Early is on time; on time is late.

 

[812scottj]

My grandfather: “By God”

 

[dukesince91]

My dad: That man’s as crooked as a dog’s hind legs.

 

[the nail at the foul line]

https://www.bunkhistory.org/resources/1692

 

[rick64]

Dad: "Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a b*tch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, a**hole, jerk."

Mom: "You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful."

Dad: "Shut up b*tch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "No dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

Me: "Dad, what about you?"

Dad: "F*** you."

John Bender (played by Judd Nelson) in The Breakfast Club.

 

[JumperJack]

These are things I first heard from my dad’s family:


-Lower than snake shit. (If a person was really lowdown, Lower than snake shit in a wagon track.)

-Tighter than Dick’s hatband.

-Colder than a witch’s tit (or a welldigger’s dick)

-Sweating like a whore in church.

-Meaner than cat piss.

-Happy as a dog with two peckers.

-Grinning like a possum.

-Useless as tits on a bull.

-Would argue with a fence post.

 

[UK82]

Mom: “go cut me a switch!”

You forgot one.

 

[BCD]

Hotter than a two-dollar pistol
Ain't worth two quirts of red piss.
Shining like a diamond in a goat's ass
Hotter than a goat's ass in a pepper patch

anything could be ramped up by putting tail on it:

'I just shit a calf with a barbed wire tail'

 

[80 Proof]

My dad: That man’s as crooked as a dog’s hind legs.

Crooked as a hog pecker

 

[RMP82]

"She looks like a haint before daylight" when referencing an ugly woman.
"That's harder than woodpecker lips"
"Slicker than cum on a gold tooth"
"If I bought him for his worth and sold him for what he thinks he's worth, I'd be a millionaire."
"Hotter than a half jacked off tomcat"

 

[cat_chaser]

“Slicker than a minner’s dick” was my favorite (minner = minnow in country slang).

“Well Piss on a flat rock” when something went wrong.

 

[RMP82]

“Slicker than a minner’s dick” was my favorite (minner = minnow in country slang).

“Well Piss on a flat rock” when something went wrong.

I always heard "slicker than a greased minners peter."


I legitimately think less of people who say "Hollow" and "Minnow" opposed to the rightful saying "Holler and Minner".

I also want to beat people with a bag full of hot nickels that say "Appa Lay Sha" instead of the correct version "Appa Latch Uh" or "Appa Latchee"

 

[80 Proof]

"Hotter than a half jacked off tomcat"

He's so poor he's gotta jackoff the dog to feed the cat.

 

[ohiocatfan826]

"tighter than a fat ladies sock"
When hungry ' "my stomachs chewing on my backbone"
a unit of measure "you need to move that a skosh to the right"

My dad had a crown put in that resulted in his having a gold tooth. When the kids were young he convinced them that a tooth grew in gold if when you lost a tooth, you didnt put your tongue in the hole. I look back on this a still laugh, because thats impossible not to do

 

[Lamar Card]

He's tighter than Dick's hat band.

Slicker than snot on a door knob.

It's colder than a well digger's ass.