I saw this thread because a buddy let me know about it. He sends the following story, which I've heard him talk about at the poker or billiards tables a time or two, long but funny -
"I ate sausage pizza from a diner local to the NIU campus back when I was in undergrad. It was owned by a Greek immigrant that used some cheaper ingredients, so that he could charge less for his product. I sometimes got discounted pizzas that couldn't be delivered or were made wrong, and this was one of those. As a broke college student, I ate that pizza over 3 separate meals from Thursday night to Friday afternoon.
I was toxic by about 2pm Friday.
I roomed with some guys in a 3 bedroom apartment, and every once in a while a former roommate of theirs would come back into town from Chicago and make an as of himself. He ate people's food, he'd get drunk and crash in their beds, and he'd usually get his as beat in a fight. I was pretty tired of his sht early on.
Anyhow, I had been sitting on a love seat in the best TV watching corner of the room, and enjoying a movie, eating about the last of my pizza, when this ashole walked in drunk from afternoon drinking at about 3, and started to eat the last piece of now cold and 1 day old, unrefrigerated, cheap sausage pizza. I was getting a beer from the keg cooler when he took my spot on the loveseat and sat there laughing.
He crashed and started to snore soon after, and made the entire room reek like stale beer and bad breath. I took a shower and got dressed to go out for happy hour, and when I came out, tried to get him off the couch so I could air the room out. He wouldn't budge. My roommates said that I a tornado wouldn't be able to wake him up, so they opened a window and turned on a fan.
I sat on the couch just a few feet from him, while they got ready to go back to the bars, and I let one rip his direction. Just sat there watching and waiting. Wasn't 30 seconds and he was wide awake and screaming as he ran for the back of the apartment. They all left quickly not long after, so I had the place to myself for a while. I sat back on the loveseat knowing full well that ashole would want to crash there again when he got home from the bars. I filled that cushion with the nastiest sausage and beer farts to the point I could barely stand it.
When I got what I thought was most of it out of my system, I headed for a hangout to meet some buddies and play pool for drinks. I got there to find my friends were pissed off that the main/good table was occupied by some dkheads whose friend managed the bar. They had their own quarters in every available slot on the table.
I told them not to worry. They'd clear out soon if they were willing to be patient, but I didn't tell them why.
Just then my buddy's ex-girlfriend and her 2 or 3 hot friends walk up and start flirting with these same asholes. They stopped playing pool to talk to the girls, which made my friends even more pissed off. But I just laughed and said, "watch their faces."
I walked up behind the group of guys and looked over the table, letting an absolute, humid, SBD creep out, hesitated for a bit, and then walked past the entire group of girls and the stairs to the main floor. I stood in the corner near the stairs and watched the girl's faces crinkle before the guys even knew what was happening. The main guy was the last to get wind of it, and then things escalated quickly. The girls gagged and almost ran away. The main guy reacted so late, everyone thought he gassed em.
It was epic, but it didn't end there. I did another "drive by" at opportune times at least twice more and right behind the main guy as he was shooting or waiting to shoot, since it was crowded. Finally his friends (and him) couldn't stand it anymore, do they picked up their quarters and tried to leave the table and their friend behind.
We had the table all night after the smoke cleared.
I left early because I wasn't playing well, and wasn't drinking much because of that. Went back home to watch some movies and drink cheaper beer maybe eat some dinner. Sat back down in that same corner love seat and let it rip for a couple hours at least before my stomach was finally emission free.
After mystomach felt better, I stretched out on the couch to fall asleep watching TV. Don't remember how much time passed, but woke up to my roommates coming home and their ashole friend stupid drunk and near sick.
As expected, he pushed everyone out of the way to dive into the loveseat. Didn't lay there more than 2 seconds before he jumped up seemingly sober and gagging, then running for the bathroom down the hall screaming about the cushion smelling like a dead animal. He threw up for about an hour, and then left to who knows where. I just laughed my ass off for the next couple hours and every time I saw him afterwards. Had the apartment to myself just in case for another half day as well.
Warning- Don't try this at home."
www.healthline.com
